Conduct in mourning

SUPPORT IN DIFFICULT TIMES: A GUIDE TO FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

The loss of a loved one is one of life’s most challenging moments. Sometimes it occurs suddenly as the result of an accident; other times, we say goodbye to a family member, friend, or colleague over many months, witnessing life fade during a long and exhausting illness. Regardless of how death occurs, those close to the deceased need support, help, and compassion most at that very moment. Since we all process grief differently, we each cope with the emotions of mourning in our own way. Therefore, appropriate conduct is essential to avoid causing additional pain to the bereaved.

As soon as a person passes away, a member of the immediate family should inform relatives and those close to the deceased. Care should be taken to entrust this task to someone capable of delivering the news without excessive emotional strain. If the family is under too much stress, a close friend may also break the news. A sudden death requires even greater consideration, especially when informing pregnant women or the elderly.

This same individual may also take on the responsibility of arranging the funeral and other details, such as religious services or commemorations. Custom dictates that others be notified via an obituary in the daily newspapers one to two days before the funeral or farewell. It is also appropriate to place a death notice at the family home and in designated areas near the deceased’s home or workplace.

OBITUARIES, ACKNOWLEDGMENTS, AND MEMORIAL CARDS

An obituary should include the full name of the deceased with all their titles. If the deceased was well known by a nickname, it should also be added. For women, the current surname is listed first, followed by the maiden name. The deceased’s profession or honorary titles may be added below the name.

This is followed by the dates of birth and death, as well as the time and place of interment and any religious rites. If the funeral has already been held because the family or the deceased expressed a wish for a private farewell, a brief note regarding this should be included. The family is typically listed in the signature in the following order:

• Spouse

• Children (by age) and grandchildren, along with their spouses

• Parents and parents-in-law

• Brothers and sisters and their spouses

• Nieces and nephews from both families

• Aunts and uncles

Following the family, individuals who were particularly close or dear to the deceased may also be listed. In the case of a common-law partnership, the partner is listed by name; in the case of an engagement, the name of the fiancé or fiancée is included. Divorced individuals are usually not listed.

Obituaries may also include other information important to the family, such as a bank account for a charitable organization for donations in lieu of flowers, or a request for “silent condolences” (a wish for privacy and no disturbances). Regardless of our personal views, politeness dictates that we respect these wishes. If no such notice is given, it is customary to bring a wreath or other appropriate flowers to the funeral.

Following the death, the family often thanks those who helped them through difficult times by publishing a special acknowledgment (thank-you note) in the daily newspaper. This may include the names of institutions, associations, or individuals who were present during the deceased’s life, as well as a general thank-you to everyone who attended the funeral or expressed their condolences.

We can arrange the publication of notices in daily newspapers; for more information, please see PRESS NOTICES.

EXPRESSING CONDOLENCES

Condolences are expressed to the deceased’s family and/or those close to them in person (via a visit), by telephone, or by telegram. Condolences are received at home, with relatives and the closest friends visiting first, while others should wait a day or two before calling. Visitors generally do not stay long; they express their sympathy and withdraw discreetly.

It is also possible to express condolences immediately before or after the funeral ceremony. When offering condolences to family members, it is customary to offer a firm handshake with a few appropriate words. Particularly close individuals may also exchange a light embrace or kisses on the cheek.

THE FUNERAL

Appropriate attire for a funeral is black or dark grey. Women may wear a hat, while for men, a black tie and a white shirt are appropriate. Suits should be dark.
The funeral procession follows the casket on foot from the mortuary (chapel) to the burial site in the following order:

• The family is in the front rows.

• Men stand on the right side, and women on the left.

• Other funeral participants follow behind the family.

In the case of a religious rite, a priest or another representative of the religious community will say a few words. A family member, close friend, or professional speaker may also address the gathering to remind us of the person we are saying goodbye to.

We offer the writing and reading of funeral orations; for more information, please see:

EULOGIES (FAREWELL SPEECHES)

Around the grave, the family is arranged according to the closeness of their relationship to the deceased. After the priest blesses the casket for the last time and bows over the grave, family members come to the grave one by one and place a small, appropriate handful of earth (taken from beside the grave), a flower, or petals into it. Following them, other participants of the funeral do the same.

THE FUNERAL RECEPTION (KARMINE)

After the funeral, family and close friends may gather at the deceased’s home, a restaurant, or another venue to share memories and comfort one another. Today, it is common to organize catering at home or in another space to reduce the pressure on the family and spare them unnecessary stress and labor.

POKOP Funeral Agency will organize the restaurant or catering and everything else necessary for the funeral reception.

MOURNING

In urban areas, wearing black is becoming less common as a sign of mourning, but it is still customary in rural areas. Regardless of changes in tradition, out of respect for the deceased, it is considered inappropriate to attend or organize large celebrations for one month following the funeral of a close family member.